Judgment Day

Dr. Andrea Gould of Lucid Learning Systems, www.lucidlearning.com, recently led a group in which all the members were confronting some sort of life transition. Dr. Gould taught us to listen to one another and preface any suggestions with the phrase "if it were my life." At first glance, it seemed like a polite way to couch criticism. In fact, the phrase is a rich, potent communication tool.

Everyone has issues to confront, decisions to make and conflicts to resolve. We all scrutinize how others raise their children, how others interact with their partners or other people or how others maintain their physical well-being. We can judge our friends and family members for failing to pursue what we think are obvious solutions, but the truth is that solutions can only be presumed, not guaranteed. Except in severe and rare circumstances, no choice is definitively wrong. See, e.g. my review of The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls, 1/21/10. One path may successfully avoid one set of problems, but another set of problems might be encountered on the alternative route.

More often than not, choices are like ever so many roads intersecting in the woods. The woods tend to be dark, the 'right way' generally is lost* and taking "the one less travelled" can make all the difference.** Every decision involves individual point of view. Decisions can often be painful, confusing and frightening. Often, those pronouncing judgment really mean to be helpful. Judgmental criticism, however, obscures this intent. Instead, judgmental criticism is just one more onslaught, while tendering advice by offering a different perspective is far more constructive and calming. Use of the phrase "if it were my life" enhances empathy, increases respect for autonomy and serves as a useful tool for offering support.

*Inferno, Dante Alighieri, 1st Tercet: In the middle of the journey of our lives, I came upon myself in the middle of a dark wood, where the right way was lost.

** The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost