On 9/11

Each year, that day comes
The Yarzeidt, the anniversary,
The commemoration

It will hurt
It always does
Each year
The recollection

There is a feeling
When you re-explore
The moments before
When the world was as it had been
The time you awoke,
How you felt,
What you wore
The weather
And then, the moment after
Fear, anguish, grief upon grief upon grief
The new world and the old one never to be again

Tomorrow, the day after, you
Adjust to the missing
The grief never fully abated
Remaining as, in time, a soft shadow
Or a phantom limb
You are forced to return
To new normal

You wake up and proceed
Perhaps you smile
I think that is what they would have wanted
To live, to experience
with greater care
For moments
Whose value cannot be told

9/11

9/11 is perhaps the most significant day in the American collective consciousness. The national sentiment is one thing. The personal perspective of a New Yorker is quite another.

In 2001, I worked across the street from the World Trade Center. For me, the World Trade Center and its vicinity was a vibrant community. On Tuesdays, I shopped at the farmers' market. Strawberries and blueberries rarely made it home. New Jersey asparagus in late March signaled the end of winter. Like every market, this one was alive with chatter. I can't help but wonder, post-9/11, what happened to those people whose shoulders brushed mine reaching for the string beans.

9/11/2001 fell on a Tuesday. I was planning on stopping by the farmers' market before heading to my office. There were no news reports about the vendors until several weeks later, when passing mention was made in some newspaper. The farmers made it out, losing their produce and vehicles. But what of my fellow customers?

Public concerts on the World Trade Center plaza also added a sense of community. John Gorka played a concert at the World Trade Center plaza on the evening of August 29th. It was a crystal clear evening. The audience included fans who had traveled just to hear the concert. Workers leaving their offices, also sat to listen before heading elsewhere What was the fate of the men and women who stalled to listen? John Gorka wrote a poignant, slightly acerbic song called "I saw a Stranger with Your Hair." Though written about the painful fallout from a failed relationship, the context of that concert and the events that followed only a few days later, lend a different dimension to the lyrics:

I heard a stranger with your voice
It took me by surprise
Again I found it wasn't you
Just an angel in disguise
In for a visit

By the way how is my heart
I haven't seen it since you left
I'm almost sure it followed you
Could you sometime send it back
I'll buy the ticket

(Chorus)
I saw a stranger with your hair
I saw another with your eyes
I heard an angel with your voice
By the way how is my heart
By the way how is my heart

Whether or not we knew someone wrenched from life in the 9/11 attacks, a space is nonetheless in our hearts for all of the human lives and community lost in the attack. We mourn the reality that there are those who truly wish to hurt, maim and destroy. May we evolve to a new reality where we all strive for peace and health together. May peace be with you all on this 10th anniversary of 9/11.

When she was in 9th grade, my daughter was identified as a gifted student with non-visible, brain-based disabilities. Parenting this type of student requires active involvement even in the late years of high school. I was involved in reviewing assignments and teaching practices long after most parents are out of the picture. Consequently, I gained insight into ways in which education in my district fell short. Two areas of deficiency, in particular, were standouts. Unfortunately, I found that the teachers at this particular school neither respected their students' time and were not particularly concerned about articulating learning objectives, other than attaining 'good' scores on advanced placement tests.

The lack of attention to teaching time management was so glaring as to be highly offensive. One teacher was asked how long she would expect a typically functioning student to complete assignments and the response, accompanied by an eye roll and shoulder shrug was “I don’t know, it never occurred to me to ask.” A summer assignment for one advanced placement English course was so – in litigation speak – overly broad and unduly burdensome that it was offensive. It required students to basically create their own, hand-written study guide for an excessively long book - one that you wouldn't even name as a top ten, all time literary great. Basically, the assignment encompassed about a semester's worth of work. It was clear that the teacher didn't even take into consideration the amount of time it would take to complete the assignment or the fact that these students have other obligations.

Sadly, the life-long take away also didn't seem rank high in importance at the school my daughter attended. Again, that alarming summer English assignment is a prime example. Other than giving the students a really long book to read and lots of time consuming, meaningless busy work, there was no apparent educational objective. There was one teacher who effectively taught students to recognize rhetorical devices and enriched their reading experiences. However, my impression was that his primary objective was to make sure his students got high scores on the Advanced Placement exam. The meaningful lessons learned in that class were incidental and it should really be the other way around. It's about the content, not the exam. When students master the material, success on tests naturally follows. Of course, students need to be taught the test format, but that shouldn't be the primary focus of the course.

At a minimum, teachers should have respect for their student's time. Assignments should be formulated to develop specific skills and teach specific knowledge. I know funds are tight, but the changes I suggest cost absolutely nothing and require little more than application of common sense. This is not intended to condemn all teachers. In fact, I recently met a teacher from a neighboring district who told me that she constantly discusses time management in her middle school classes and that she makes sure to balance the load so that students can balance work and play over the weekend. I'll bet she can also tell you exactly what she hopes her students will have learned by the end of the year.

At the end of the day, I felt compelled to find another school where my daughter could complete her high school education. I am grateful for the support given by the district’s administration in permitting my daughter to complete her high school studies at a local college. I just glanced the syllabus for my daughter’s economics course. It clearly states the amount of time a student should expect to spend preparing for class and four precise objectives identifying what the teacher hopes students will learn in the course. This is as it should be.

Fiber! Food!

Inspired by an article by Frank Bruni in this past Sunday's New York Times Magazine section (March 6, 2011, The Billionaire Who Is Planning His 125th Birthday," http://tinyurl.com/462kdta), I was motivated to put more fruits and vegetables in my grocery cart this week. At the store, I noticed Tanya Zuckerbrot's new line of F-Factor foods. Zuckerbrot's claim to fame is her F-Factor diet, which emphasizes eating substantial amounts of fiber daily.

I bought a few bags of frozen blueberries and raspberries and a bunch of bananas. I pureed some of the berries for an enjoyable afternoon snack. This morning, I made a smoothie with the fruit, adding a dash of cranberry juice and a dash of orange/peach/mango juice, plus a sprinkle of xylitol crystals. Both concoctions were delicious, but they required time, planning and equipment.

The F-Factor line includes a line of snack bars. They pack in a remarkable 12 grams of dietary fiber, which is 50 percent of the suggested daily requirement. I tried the banana walnut. It didn't come close to my tasty fruit smoothie, but it didn't taste like cardboard, either. There was a definite banana walnut taste. Though chocolate usually makes anything palatable, it didn't do the trick in this case; the brownie flavor didn't stand up. It's all subjective, but in my opinion, the brownie flavor was, well, yuck.

If you do try these bars, do remember to drink tons of water so that the fiber can work its magic. Zuckerbrot's product certainly is convenient, but nothing competes with mother nature.

Joan Hamburg Show, Ice Storm or No!

Joan Hamburg of WOR 710 am Radio is one of my favorite radio hosts. Periodically, Ms. Hamburg tapes her show before a live audience at either Sardi’s or 21 Club in Manhattan. I finally had the chance to attend a recording on February 2, 2011 at Sardi’s. The ice storm that had closed schools in the New York metropolitan area did not deter. Ever intrepid, I slid my car down my driveway and made it to the train station. We were tush to tummy on the train, but I made it to Sardi’s with time to spare.

My efforts were rewarded. I enjoyed watching Ms. Hamburg interview Donatella Arpaia, Isaac Mizrahi, Brooke Shields and Harvey Fierstein in person. I don’t know if a theme was intended, but all of the guests had in common ambition, creativity and the ability to take chances. Family and education were also formative influences on these accomplished talents.

Donatella Arpaia is a firebrand of youthful energy. This remarkable young woman has become a formidable restaurateur, television personality and cookbook author. Raised in a restaurant family, Ms. Arpaia recounted that her father had to go to work as a waiter even on his own wedding day. Ms. Arpaia became an attorney by the time she was 22, and her father was chagrined when she announced her desire to enter the restaurant business. Ms Arapaia is an elegant woman who persevered even after losing substantial amounts of money in a venture. Every experience, she said, is a lesson.

Delightful, darling and genuine. That is what I think of Isaac Mizrahi. Mr. Mizrahi’s father manufactured childrens’ wear. When young Isaac started to experiment with sewing, his father gave him a machine and taught his son the craft. By the age of 15, Mr. Mizrahi already had a line of clothing being sold commercially. Though he always knew what he wanted to do, he is at a crossroads. He loves selling on QVC. His innovative web venture, watchisaac.com, is an on-line community devoted to fashion is a must join.

Beautiful, brilliant Brooke Shields breezed in wearing a pretty magenta chiffon dress and the highest of heels to cheer up the audience on this stormy day. Brooke told the audience how much she values her education and that going to college was a risky choice in the entertainment business. Now, she is taking a chance doing something new; a solo cabaret show at Feinstein’s at the Loew’s Regency.

Harvey Fierstein was the last guest. I have long held that life sometimes leads in unexpected directions and that it is best to follow the current. Fierstein was pursuing a painting degree at Pratt Institute when he auditioned for an Andy Warhol play. He found himself acting. Then, someone suggested that he try writing. Because he is dyslexic, writing never occurred to him. But he took a chance and the result was Torch Song Trilogy and, subsequently, the book for the musical version of La Cage au Folles, garnering numerous awards for his efforts. He is returning to Broadway in a new production as Albin in a few weeks.

Obviously, being present at the taping was quite different than listening to the show on the radio. It was fun to be part of the action, watching producer Natalie busily managing guests, the audience and recording equipment to make sure all was as smooth as silk. But I enjoy the listening experience, too. Joan Hamburg is a remarkable personality. Listening to Joan Hamburg on the radio, one gets the impression that she is friendly and open. An in-person meeting was no different. She is genuine and truly values the relationships she develops with her guests and her audience. Warm, welcoming and sincere, Ms. Hamburg is a unique gem. Braving the elements was worthwhile.

Judgment Day

Dr. Andrea Gould of Lucid Learning Systems, www.lucidlearning.com, recently led a group in which all the members were confronting some sort of life transition. Dr. Gould taught us to listen to one another and preface any suggestions with the phrase "if it were my life." At first glance, it seemed like a polite way to couch criticism. In fact, the phrase is a rich, potent communication tool.

Everyone has issues to confront, decisions to make and conflicts to resolve. We all scrutinize how others raise their children, how others interact with their partners or other people or how others maintain their physical well-being. We can judge our friends and family members for failing to pursue what we think are obvious solutions, but the truth is that solutions can only be presumed, not guaranteed. Except in severe and rare circumstances, no choice is definitively wrong. See, e.g. my review of The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls, 1/21/10. One path may successfully avoid one set of problems, but another set of problems might be encountered on the alternative route.

More often than not, choices are like ever so many roads intersecting in the woods. The woods tend to be dark, the 'right way' generally is lost* and taking "the one less travelled" can make all the difference.** Every decision involves individual point of view. Decisions can often be painful, confusing and frightening. Often, those pronouncing judgment really mean to be helpful. Judgmental criticism, however, obscures this intent. Instead, judgmental criticism is just one more onslaught, while tendering advice by offering a different perspective is far more constructive and calming. Use of the phrase "if it were my life" enhances empathy, increases respect for autonomy and serves as a useful tool for offering support.

*Inferno, Dante Alighieri, 1st Tercet: In the middle of the journey of our lives, I came upon myself in the middle of a dark wood, where the right way was lost.

** The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost

Why is this day different?

Christmas makes me appreciate that I am different. I am not part of the dominant, white Christian culture, thoughsSome of my best friends are both white and Christian. Seriously. But the experience of not being part of the mainstream, not being part of the revelry that is Christmas, reminds me of my heritage.

The exclusion is just as much as a reminder as is observance. To be sure, there are subtle differences in experiencing exclusion versus observance. Observance requires active involvement with tradition, while exclusion is passive and subtle.

This time of year highlights an awkward divide. Some Christian friends are at a loss for words. One friend warmly drew us into her home and celebration. We honestly had great fun and ate ourselves silly, but we were visitors. I am proud of who I am, I am comfortable and I am grateful to appreciate what it feels like to be different.

When I am among the dominant culture in the room, I have the strength to reach out to the 'other' among us. Today, I have everything in common with any other non-Christian. How ironic that on Christian holidays, Muslims and Jews are especially united as outsiders. If only we could embrace that commonality.